I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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