Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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