I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize