she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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