TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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