Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
