I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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