Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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