how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
