why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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