I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
