whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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