If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
If its not for food we ain't going out.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
