She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I need to calm my uterus...
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
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