Already got asked if we're dating
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
