is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
