i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
