Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Randomize
