It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
