But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
