god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I smell like Dick and happiness
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