i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
