The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
