I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Randomize
