the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
