We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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