if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
