True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day â¤ï¸
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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