My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
