chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
