We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
