Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
