I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
pop tarts are not kleenex
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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