I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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