i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
