Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
