i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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