I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
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