I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
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