I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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