It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
