I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
