I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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