Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
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