Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
