Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
