my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Can you bring me the toilet please
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Randomize
