Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
