why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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