now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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