So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
He has the fingertips of a God
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