There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I have aggressive nipples.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
