We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Randomize
