i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Randomize
