I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
