Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
