Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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