I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Randomize
