people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Randomize
